Fulcrum Point Partners

I teach managers, executives and other professionals how to deal with difficult people and how to manage conflict. I also coach this one on one with my clients.

I have a specific tool which I administer so people can better understand how they behave and how others behave differently. It emphasizes it isn’t about a right way or a wrong way, it just is the way it is.

This tool does help people to reduce their conflict. It helps them shift these difficult people into allies; or at least neutralize them so they can be tolerated!

So since I teach this stuff and know the tool inside and out, it’s easy for me to use it when I’m in conflict.

I wish.

I was working with someone on a project. We needed it done, well, two days ago. Now the reason for this wasn’t exactly the other person’s fault.

Actually it was my fault.

I had delayed in getting my materials together.

But really they only needed a couple of days to get their stuff together.

4 days went by.

One week went by.

Still not done.

I was getting anxious and irritable. I didn’t understand what was taking this person so long.

I asked politely. I left her alone. I then emailed and called.

She said she was working on it.

I couldn’t cut her out of the project. It was the point of no return, as far as I was concerned.

Then she was done (10 days).

The work was perfect. Precise. Exactly what I needed and things I didn’t realize I needed until I saw them.

I laughed.

I realized what happened.

I was so caught up in the project having to be completed I had forgotten we all behave differently.

I’m pretty fast paced; I need to see the outcome thereby perhaps ignoring the details. She was very detailed driven.

The combination of these skills was needed for this project.

Looking back if I had used the suggested actions I teach to others in dealing with her during the time period I was waiting for her to finish, I might have gotten more communication from her, understood what she was doing and (perhaps) been more patient and less stressed.

And she might have felt I wasn’t acting like a crazed lunatic (I don’t know if she felt this way but looking back I feel like I acted this way!)

When I remember the tools I teach to others can also benefit me:

• It keeps me involved and not an observer
• I’m reminded I still have lots to learn
• I’m proud what I teach can impact others

And while I might have been heated about this person and situation for days, it’s better then stewing for months or years!

I was pleased to get my book out last year. It was exciting, scary and surreal.

One of the most vulnerable things about it was I knew the “defects.” I had never had the booked edited. I felt I was already behind in getting the book out; I didn’t want to delay the process any longer.

In other words I had procrastinated for so long I decided to accelerate and skip part of the process.

This is a way I behave. I’m pretty fasted pace, focused on the outcome but not necessarily the details. Of course I can be at times but this was not one of them!

Knowing there were grammatical errors held me back from promoting my book in more corporate environments.

So I decided to go back around and do what I could have done in the first place.

But what I found is I got the book edited at the right time.

In addition to the grammar, I had content changes I wanted to make. I had more stories I wanted to include (although the subtitle remains unchanged) and more insight to share, based on my talks and feedback I received.

I wouldn’t have had all that if I had the book edited in the first place.

Only a few people commented about the lack of editing. That’s probably because I was so upfront about it I didn’t give others a chance to say something!

The editing or lack of editing didn’t take away from the theme of the book. But it took away my ambition and determination in moving the book forward.

When I recognize something deters my ambition:

• I don’t have to beat myself up for trying to change the past
• I can change whatever it is it to get back into action for the future
• Or I can sit with it until I get bored!

So now its time to market the 2nd edition of my book. How do I get people who bought the first edition to buy the 2nd? Would people buy it because it’s been edited, 70 pages longer and easier to read because it contains the bold and italics it originally was supposed to have? Will people buy it for others as a gift?

I suppose I’ll find out!

Prior to writing my soundbites and my subsequent book filled with these stories I wrote some fictional pieces. This included a possible script for Frasier. I called it “Uncle Felix.” I decided Felix Unger from The Odd Couple was Frasier and Nile’s uncle.

Alas, the only thing I did with the script was show it to my brother. He reviewed it at different times of its development. He educated me on the use and my misuse of the word that.

I saw his point. I overused the word.

I took this advice to heart. I started to always check for how often I would use that in my stories. I almost always got rid of them.

For the second edition of my book I had the book reviewed and edited by a professional.

Well, lo and behold, he added a lot of that’s back into my stories.

I had gotten so used to not using the word I had forgotten when to use the word.

The editor I used quoted The Elements of Style to get me to understand:

There are times when the ear not only guides us through difficult situations but also saves us from minor or major embarrassments of prose. The ear, for example, must decide when to omit that from a sentence, when to retain it. “She knew she could do it” is preferable to “She knew that she could do it”—simpler and just as clear. But in many cases, the that is needed. “He felt that his big nose, which was sunburned, made him look ridiculous.” Omit the that and you have “He felt his big nose…”

So used to not using the word that was I that (purposely used) it took me awhile to understand the above paragraph.

It makes me wonder how many times I can get stuck in something because I’m so used to doing it a certain way. Even if it’s something I changed and works better because of the change, doesn’t mean it should stay that way forever.

I suppose I could spend my entire day questioning how and why I do things. I’m not going to do that.

But when I’m open to different ways of doing things which had become routine:

• New ideas come above
• Different scenarios are played out
• I’m open to new outcomes

I will now include more that’s in my sentences.

That works for me.

Or is it

This works for me?

The term sandbagging originally was used in poker where one deceived one or more opponents into remaining in the pot by refraining from betting on a strong hand, then raising the bet in a later round.

The term has evolved to be used in sports where one might play at a lower level on purpose in the hopes of winning.

I was in a tennis tournament. As I was going to play my singles match, someone else said to my opponent good luck playing in the D division so sarcastically I thought to myself uh-oh. I immediately asked my opponent why this was said and was he playing at a lower level? (While my directness has diminished through the years, it will show up full force when needed!)

He assured me it wasn’t true.

I found this not to be the case when we started playing. He had a back hand shot far superior to anyone I have played at this level.

I lost the first set 6-1.

I got extremely angry. I didn’t understand why anyone would sandbag.

I lost the second set 7-5. I thought it was my anger which got me to almost win this 2nd set against this sandbagger; at the time I didn’t see it another way.

I was gracious and congratulated him at the end. I didn’t confront him.

However, I talked about him behind his back to a few others.

The next day it occurred to me: how could I almost win a set if he was sandbagging? Besides this one good shot, what else did he have?

The truth was that I took what someone said and made a story up.

Besides the tennis there was a talent competition happening during the weekend. I entered and decided to sing a medley I have done several times before.   I do it well and it’s a crowd pleaser.

I came in first place.

Uh oh – was I sandbagging?

The truth is I wasn’t. I didn’t know who else would enter the competition and what their level and experience of performing was.

When it came time to the competition (I was, coincidentally, the last to perform, there were 6 contestants) it was apparent (to me) I had more experience.

Was it fair I was competing in the same category?

Well yes, there were no stipulations in the guidelines.

But I could see where others might think it not fair.

All of a sudden the concept of sandbagging took on a different meaning for me, since I now saw how I could be perceived as the sandbagger, not the victim.

Since I now experienced both sides of this controversial subject:

• I will hopefully remember there can be more to what is going on then what I perceive
• I can appreciate what I make up in my mind can seriously alter my outcomes
• Judging others takes away from what I’m doing in the moment

The opportunity to do two things I love in one weekend – tennis and performing – is something for which I’m extremely grateful.

To learn something as well is fantastic.

I had to be in Mountainview by 7AM. It takes about 35 to 40 minutes to get there.

I left at 6AM to make sure I had enough time.

A few days before I had noticed the latch to the passenger side of my convertible top was a little loose. I had to adjust it several times even though I hadn’t put the top down.

As I got onto the highway my top started to unhinge from the passenger side. I suddenly remembered the Hawaiian airlines flight where the entire top of the plane came off while they were in mid air (no one was hurt).

I grabbed the top with my right hand but also realized I needed to pull over. I couldn’t hold it down for the entire ride. I either had to re-latch the top, and if it didn’t work, I would need to drive with the top down, despite the early morning chill.

I got off at the nearest exit which went one way for a long time. I realized it wasn’t leading to an entrance back onto the highway so now in addition to having to fix the top, I needed to find my way back to the highway.

After re-latching and finding the highway I was back on the road but significantly behind schedule. I estimated I would be about 10 minutes late.

I wanted to call who I was meeting but decided to wait until I got off the highway. The last thing I needed was to do something illegal like making a call and having the top pop open at the same time!

I called as I got off the highway.

Then, even though I’ve been here before, I got lost.

I arrived about 15 minutes late instead of 5 or 10.

I was upset. I don’t like to be late. And I also had this weird experience on the highway.

However the woman I was meeting, who was in charge of the day’s events, was really upset.

I knew this because she was pretty vocal and said she was angry and upset!

Right away I asked what I could do to help the situation.

Per her request, I called the client to say we would be a few minutes late.

As we got closer to the client I did tell my co-worker that my general experience was when something technically bad happened in the morning, it usually met a very productive day! Saying this broke the ice a little bit.

Fortunately my theory was true. The day went extremely well.

We were able to end the day with all’s well that didn’t start well!

My co-worker commented how grateful she was that she verbalized her anger immediately. It got her to release it sooner then later.

I realized I was grateful as well. How could she be anything but angry? If she didn’t express it there would have been un-comfortableness throughout the day which could have resulted in a shift of focus from meeting the client’s expectations.

I’m grateful she was wise and comfortable enough to express the anger.

I’m grateful I know because someone says they are angry doesn’t mean it’s the end all be all. It’s a point in time emotion.

When I remember this:

• I’m open to the emotion
• I try to do what I can to help dissipate the situation
• I keep the common focus in view

Amazingly, going back home the latch remained. Who knows what events would have happened if it popped open again?!

During my month long business trip to Lubbock, Texas my mood shifted as much as the local weather. It could be 80 degrees and a few hours later 40 degrees cooler.

I could be going along content or energized and then just as quickly, wish I was out of this town and feel miserable.

Of course these mood swings could also happen at home but that’s beside the point!

One particular morning I was in a down mood.

I had some errands to do before I needed to be at work. One of them was going to the post office to send a package.

I was happy to see they had one of those automated tellers they do in the post offices I go to (it being Lubbock I wasn’t sure how far along they were with government technology!)

There was an older woman in front of me who wasn’t really familiar with how to use this automated system. My bad mood made my impatience stronger.

However, instead of stewing inside I decided to help her along. Really I did it so she could get out of my way and I could take care of what I needed.

But she thanked me and moved on.

I then went to my rental car which was a white 4 door Altima. I went to unlock the door and it wouldn’t unlock.

I looked up and this same woman was at another car, also a white 4 door Altima. She couldn’t get in her car.

She had gone to the wrong car so I naturally went to the other car, which was really her car but since she was at my car which she thought was her car, I though her car was my car!

It was like the Agatha Christie novel where the wrong person was murdered at a dinner party because after everyone came back from dancing, someone sat in the wrong seat and everyone followed suit without realizing because they were in the same order. (Then the poor soul who was in the wrong seat drank some poison).

I laughed with this woman and also told her the Agatha Christie story.

As I drove away I realized I wasn’t in a bad mood anymore. The interaction I had with her shifted my mood. Yes, I still wanted to get out of town but somehow the morning was more tolerable.

Recognizing my mood can shift anywhere:

• Allows me to be true to my feelings
• Makes me understand it’s not where I am which creates my mood.
• Is comforting and disconcerting at the same time to realize I could be happy or miserable anywhere!

Interactions with people will change my mood. In this case, in a town I didn’t particularly want to be, my mood was lifted.

I was waiting for our underground train. The transportation security was there to check if people had valid passes. If you don’t, you’re subject to a fine.

They targeted one younger fellow who indeed didn’t have a pass. They requested to see his license or some form of id so they could give him a ticket.

This person ignored the request and proceeded to leave.

The security immediately called ahead to alert the police to come because someone was exiting without paying. (I guess this security doesn’t have the authority to physically stop someone).

They were describing the person on the phone as the guy was exiting. Obviously time was of the essence to catch him.

The security guard mentioned this guy looked like he was 20 years old.

This kid stopped, turned around and screamed, I’m 17!

I cracked up.

Any minute the police could show up and he could be in serious trouble yet he had to stop and declare his actual age!

I imagine at 17 to have something think you’re 20 could be an insult. I personally don’t remember but I can believe it considering my own thoughts with getting older.

While I loathe admitting I have fallen into this keeping youthful image our society professes all the time, I felt comfort with this kid’s outburst.

Here he was in trouble with the law yet he needed to correct their estimation of his age. It almost makes my thoughts about growing my hair longer to look younger sane.

Almost.

The point isn’t whether or not this obsession our society has with looking young is right or wrong, productive or not. It’s there, it exists.

What’s comforting is people do it at any age.

When I realize some of my crazier thoughts are shared by people of all ages:

• I realize they may not be so crazy
• I feel a little more normal in a calm way
• I feel more connected to people of all ages.

I don’t know if this kid got caught because my train arrived. For the laugh I enjoyed I hope he got away!

I heard this joke recently: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer: Fish.

I cracked up when I heard this and told many people. Most laughed, chucked or groaned.

My father didn’t. He didn’t understand the joke. At all.

I tried explaining it to him.

A blank stare. Totally didn’t understand what was so funny.

But he was determined to see if anyone else got the joke.

So he started telling it – and he got laughs!

This made him laugh – he had no idea why it was funny yet he was getting laughs and as a result was enjoying the joke himself.

In fact it got funnier because he was telling it.

It reminded about the slogan fake it till you make it, which is also acting as if.

I use it at times with my coaching clients when they have roadblocks getting what they want due to lack of confidence or other fears.

And when I’ve used it myself it has helped me push through things which I had struggled.

My father may not have gotten the joke but it didn’t stop him from telling it.

When I remember to fake it till I make it:

• I push through the current struggle
• My confidence and excitement increases
• I can accomplish things I never thought possible

My father understands most of the jokes I tell him which is fortunate for me because if he didn’t he’d keep telling them to others and probably tell them better then I do!

I was at a weekend retreat. I was asked to present a workshop. I agreed to do How to Deal with Difficult People, a favorite of mine I can do and modify for all sorts of environments.

They scheduled it for Sunday afternoon. Not a great time. But I didn’t want to be difficult so I said nothing!

Right before the workshop I was at the pool. It was a beautiful sunny day. I didn’t want to go and facilitate.

But I had to so I went.

No one showed up.

With a group of close to 200, not one showed up.

There were several other workshops going on.

One which had caught my interest was on Laughter and Humor. I decided to check this out for going back to the pool.

There were about 20 attendees. They were all laughing. I quickly joined in.

I mentioned to a couple of people no one showed up for my workshop. They asked me which one it was and I told them. Their reaction: I thought of going to it.

I could have been offended since they didn’t go.

But I was honest with myself.

I didn’t want to attend my workshop!

It was the latter part of a holiday weekend/retreat.

What would people rather do – discuss how to deal with difficult people or laugh when they are on a vacation?!

I laughed because the answer was so obvious.

It’s not my topic isn’t important; it’s vital.

But there is a time and place for everything.

When I acknowledge there is a time and place for everything:

• I don’t get into what ifs
• I enjoy what is going on and not focus on what could have been
• I speak up when the situation warrants it, and unbelievably, can stay silent as well!

For me it takes a certain confidence to be okay with no one showing up to a workshop. I’m glad I have it!

Some time ago I wrote a piece on how there was no such word as preventative. I explained I learned this while contracting with a company where we teach health benefits. I “proved” it by looking in one dictionary where phonetically it was pronounced preventive not preventative.

Since my brother was one of the people whom I subsequently taught this lesson, he took it to heart.

One day he explained this to someone he knew. This guy proved my brother wrong.

I looked at the evidence my brother presented (I should mention, my brother is a lawyer) and emailed the trainer who taught me, to show her the word preventative does exist.

Her response: Yep…the word has always existed. It’s just that “preventive” is the preferred word.

But this can’t be! I have a published story which says preventive doesn’t exist. I will have to delete this story from my 2nd edition.

But my brother reminded me, this is what my book is about: shifting difficult situations to opportunities.

What’s difficult about this is its very embarrassing to have something wrong in written proof. The opportunity is I don’t have to hide this or be embarrassed. I could admit I was mistaken.

I obviously heard what I wanted to hear when I learned this the first time and jumped to a conclusion, which I put in writing!

When I admit my mistakes:

• I have the opportunity to see how I can learn from wrong conclusions
• I change my focus to see it differently
• My embarrassment is released

Also in the email by my trainer was:

Even though preventive is preferred and that’s what we want to teach people to use, the language might be changing and one day preventative will be the preferred usage. My English teacher friends are always reminding me language shifts…and that’s why we don’t say shan’t anymore!

So not only can we shift difficult situations to opportunities, but the vocabulary we use will shift as well!