Fulcrum Point Partners

I heard this joke recently: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer: Fish.

I cracked up when I heard this and told many people. Most laughed, chucked or groaned.

My father didn’t. He didn’t understand the joke. At all.

I tried explaining it to him.

A blank stare. Totally didn’t understand what was so funny.

But he was determined to see if anyone else got the joke.

So he started telling it – and he got laughs!

This made him laugh – he had no idea why it was funny yet he was getting laughs and as a result was enjoying the joke himself.

In fact it got funnier because he was telling it.

It reminded about the slogan fake it till you make it, which is also acting as if.

I use it at times with my coaching clients when they have roadblocks getting what they want due to lack of confidence or other fears.

And when I’ve used it myself it has helped me push through things which I had struggled.

My father may not have gotten the joke but it didn’t stop him from telling it.

When I remember to fake it till I make it:

• I push through the current struggle
• My confidence and excitement increases
• I can accomplish things I never thought possible

My father understands most of the jokes I tell him which is fortunate for me because if he didn’t he’d keep telling them to others and probably tell them better then I do!

I was at a weekend retreat. I was asked to present a workshop. I agreed to do How to Deal with Difficult People, a favorite of mine I can do and modify for all sorts of environments.

They scheduled it for Sunday afternoon. Not a great time. But I didn’t want to be difficult so I said nothing!

Right before the workshop I was at the pool. It was a beautiful sunny day. I didn’t want to go and facilitate.

But I had to so I went.

No one showed up.

With a group of close to 200, not one showed up.

There were several other workshops going on.

One which had caught my interest was on Laughter and Humor. I decided to check this out for going back to the pool.

There were about 20 attendees. They were all laughing. I quickly joined in.

I mentioned to a couple of people no one showed up for my workshop. They asked me which one it was and I told them. Their reaction: I thought of going to it.

I could have been offended since they didn’t go.

But I was honest with myself.

I didn’t want to attend my workshop!

It was the latter part of a holiday weekend/retreat.

What would people rather do – discuss how to deal with difficult people or laugh when they are on a vacation?!

I laughed because the answer was so obvious.

It’s not my topic isn’t important; it’s vital.

But there is a time and place for everything.

When I acknowledge there is a time and place for everything:

• I don’t get into what ifs
• I enjoy what is going on and not focus on what could have been
• I speak up when the situation warrants it, and unbelievably, can stay silent as well!

For me it takes a certain confidence to be okay with no one showing up to a workshop. I’m glad I have it!

Some time ago I wrote a piece on how there was no such word as preventative. I explained I learned this while contracting with a company where we teach health benefits. I “proved” it by looking in one dictionary where phonetically it was pronounced preventive not preventative.

Since my brother was one of the people whom I subsequently taught this lesson, he took it to heart.

One day he explained this to someone he knew. This guy proved my brother wrong.

I looked at the evidence my brother presented (I should mention, my brother is a lawyer) and emailed the trainer who taught me, to show her the word preventative does exist.

Her response: Yep…the word has always existed. It’s just that “preventive” is the preferred word.

But this can’t be! I have a published story which says preventive doesn’t exist. I will have to delete this story from my 2nd edition.

But my brother reminded me, this is what my book is about: shifting difficult situations to opportunities.

What’s difficult about this is its very embarrassing to have something wrong in written proof. The opportunity is I don’t have to hide this or be embarrassed. I could admit I was mistaken.

I obviously heard what I wanted to hear when I learned this the first time and jumped to a conclusion, which I put in writing!

When I admit my mistakes:

• I have the opportunity to see how I can learn from wrong conclusions
• I change my focus to see it differently
• My embarrassment is released

Also in the email by my trainer was:

Even though preventive is preferred and that’s what we want to teach people to use, the language might be changing and one day preventative will be the preferred usage. My English teacher friends are always reminding me language shifts…and that’s why we don’t say shan’t anymore!

So not only can we shift difficult situations to opportunities, but the vocabulary we use will shift as well!

I have an innate trust in people. I leave the doors to my car unlocked as a symbol of this faith I have in my fellow man.

Yeah, right.

I do leave the doors to my car unlocked. But it’s because I own a convertible.

I have owned convertibles for at least a decade. Early in this ownership I had the top slashed so someone could get into the car. From then on I always left the doors unlocked. I’d rather have someone open the doors and look around instead of ripping the top causing major damage and a financial burden.

People are always surprised when they go with me to my car. They wait on the passenger side for me to unlock the door. I tell them to go in its already unlocked. They are surprised. Even repeat riders sometimes forget I don’t lock the doors.

I explain why I do it – it’s a precaution for major vandalism.

Recently I got to my car. The glove compartment was open and papers were everywhere. Someone had come in to steal.

There was nothing to steal. And the top of my car was completely fine.

My precaution worked!

Something I set up as a habit paid off years later.

While I wasn’t thrilled at the thought of someone rummaging through my stuff, I was satisfied knowing there was nothing of value in the car. I was happy there was no break in of locks or ripping of the top.

I consider myself an impulsive person. Taking this precaution and keeping to it is not impulsive.

When I take precautions and stick with them:

• I am focused on an outcome I either want to achieve or avoid
• I have an amount of passion associated with the action to stick with it
• I can feel good if the precaution proves right

I’m not sure how much longer my 1990 Ford Mustang will last. But while I have it, the doors will always be open.

Of course, the trunk will be locked

At least that’s what my mother has been saying for a few years.

She was watching the movie on the Turner Classic Movie channel (TCM), and heard Robert Osborne announce before the movie to try and notice an uncredited 14-year-old Robert Wagner.

She didn’t notice Robert Wagner and no one she talked to seems to know he was in the movie.

I researched this online and couldn’t find anything either. In fact, I found evidence to the contrary. Robert Wagner would not have been 14 when Gone with the Wind came out; he would have been younger.

His website and websites which talk about him never mentioned his being in this movie.

Still my mother insisted she heard it.

Recently, TCM reran Gone with the Wind. My mom watched to verify what she heard.

She didn’t hear it. She now acknowledges she must’ve been mistaken in what he said.

This whole journey to this acceptance took about three years.

It got me thinking: haven’t I, at times, thought I heard something which was never said?

Haven’t I gotten myself into uncomfortable situations based on assumptions which weren’t really true?

Quite a bit actually!

And not only were they frustrating for me, it led to conflicts with others.

These frustrations and conflicts still occur for me.

But when I’m in conflict and can come to acceptance my assumptions may not be true:

• The time frame of conflict lessens
• I can hear what really is being said
• I can still keep my opinion and respect others for theirs

So Robert Wagner wasn’t in Gone with the Wind, but the original Superman was!

I was flying to the east coast. I got up very early for a 7AM flight.

I had booked the flight at least a month before and received an aisle seat.

I like aisle seats because it’s more open and less claustrophobic.

When I got to my seat there was someone already in the window seat.

As the plane was about to depart a mother and son came on. She was panicked. There weren’t seats for both of them to sit together.

There were two middle seats. One in the row in front of me and one next to me.

This panicked mother sat next to me and was complaining about having to be separated from her son.

She was, in my opinion, being pretty indignant, trying to demand from the flight attendant seats get switched.

She asked the woman sitting in the window seat if she would switch with her son. The woman said no.

For some reason she didn’t ask me.

Maybe she knew what I’d say.

First of all, it appeared her son, who was about 8 years old and already playing with his video games, was not panicked.

She was.

And who’s going to want to switch a window or aisle seat for a middle seat?

I think, to me, what was most disturbing and annoying was this woman blaming everyone around her for the situation.

She didn’t take responsibility – maybe if she tried explaining in a less panicked and abrasive manner someone would have switched with her.

Maybe I would have switched seats.

No, who am I kidding; I wouldn’t have given up my aisle seat for a middle seat!

Eventually the young woman sitting next to her son gave the mother her seat. I think she realized she wouldn’t get any rest and figured the middle seat was the lesser of two evils.

The mother thanked her although it seemed a little insincere since it seems she thought she should have had the seat all along.

It’s difficult enough when a friend or family member tries to lay guilt on you. It’s difficult and awkward in a different way when it’s done by a stranger.

I’m not against parents and children sitting together. I can empathize and understand why the mother would want to switch seats.

But coming from an entitled expectation rubs me the wrong way.

When we can come from ownership and responsibility when requesting something from others:

• We may not get what we want but if we do it’ll be from a desire to help, not guilt
• We might see other alternatives to our requests
• Someone else might come up with an idea which satisfies everyone

The flight attendants did offer free drinks and food to the woman who moved next to me.

This is probably not the first time they have had to deal with this kind of difficult situation.

I was in New York and looking forward to seeing several shows. Some shows I pre-purchased; others I would get on the half price line.

I was meeting a friend to see one show. It is sometimes challenging to see something with him as he lives in New York, works in the industry, so he has seen most shows by the time I get to town.

To my surprise he hadn’t seen the revival of Hair. It was up for half price.

He debated whether he wanted to go since chances were in the near future he could probably get complimentary house seats.

For some reason the fact I never saw any production of Our Town came up in our conversation.

He was stunned I had never seen it. There was a production off Broadway. He had already seen it but wanted me to see it and would go again.

I really wanted to see Hair. I like the music.

But I went along with my friend’s excitement and purchased tickets to the off Broadway production of Our Town.

Our Town is three acts.

During the first act I was singing songs from Hair in my head.

During the second act I connected with several of the themes and some of the lines.

During the third act I had one of the most subtle and powerful experiences I have ever had in the theater.

What happened in the play connected with where I am in my life today and unexpectedly grabbed every part of me. I believe at one point I held my breath as I was listening and taking in what was going on in the play.

It was if there was a reason I never saw any production of Our Town until then.

And to think I didn’t want to go see the play!

I’m glad I wasn’t willful and for some reason went with my friend’s excitement. I would have missed out on this experience.

When I can let go (and there are times I can’t!) of what I think I want and go with someone else excitement:

• I am allowing myself to have an adventure
• I let go of my control
• I take risks

By going with my friend’s excitement and seeing Our Town and not Hair, I still

Let the sun shine in!

A friend and I went to see a one man show. While the topic was intriguing the execution was mediocre at best. (Note to all: I am purposely not saying what the show was about to give you an idea of the feelings of dissatisfaction we had when the show ended. I’m trying to have you experience what I felt, without hopefully, making this reading mediocre!)

After the show, we started talking about where the show felt flat and what we might do differently.

It was a rather short one man show, which in this case was merciful. But since it was early we decided to go back to the theater to see if he was still there to see if he wanted to hear our ideas. Unfortunately he had already left.

We continued to talk about the show’s premise and the possible ways to have gone with the show.

After about 45 minutes I looked at my friend and said: Do you realize all we’ve talked about is this mediocre show. Would we have talked about it for so long if we had loved the show?

We both laughed but also acknowledged how the show being so-so was something we both needed this particular evening.

Having the show fall short gave us a chance to use our own creative process. It helped us appreciate the work it takes to make a show good. When something is excellent sometimes the process appears seamless.

When I can be challenged by something which falls short:

• I truly can shift perspective to something which motivates
• I have a chance of being nicer to myself when I fall short
• I understand a little bit more what we do matters

It was probably 10 years into her career when I saw the true genius of Meryl Streep. While I always thought she was a great actress, seeing The Bridges of Madison County catapulted her in my mind to the best. This is because I thought this movie was a monumental tower of boredom.

Yet she shined.

I thought if she could shine in such mediocrity what a treat to see her in quality work.

This recent one man show reminded me of this perfection of mediocrity.

I often do work where I’m not paid. This includes preparation for training, paperwork for coaching, and writing.

In fact much of my work doesn’t include payment.

In all honesty, sometimes I get tired of doing this work for no payment.

I have expressed this at times. One friend summed it up and said:

Well, that’s the cost of doing business.

He’s correct.

When I look at it more closely, it really isn’t about doing the work for no payment.

It’s usually about not wanting to do the work at all!

Whether it’s the type of work, or the timing of when it’s happening, there are moments I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing.

If it’s the type of work then I need to examine why I’m doing it and if it’s worth it for my professional or personal growth.

If it’s the timing of the work, is there something I can do about it?

We all have costs of doing business.

For me, as an entrepreneur, it can be many hours of prep for no money.

For those with full time jobs its commute time and costs or having to physically be somewhere more hours then they may wish.

We all have costs.

When I acknowledge to myself everyone has costs to doing business:

• I remember the flexibility I have
• I reexamine to make sure my tasks are aligned with my goals
• I laugh when I blame management for any stress I have since I am management

The good news is whenever I ask my boss for time off I always get it. I’m such a nice boss!

My brother told me awhile back when my eldest niece was celebrating her first Halloween they took her around trick-or-treating. To keep her aware and awake they allowed her to eat something with sugar. They could see the immediate effect the sugar had on her and then could see the crash. They could then give her a little more and start the cycle over.

Fortunately they didn’t do this for long that night and as far as I know didn’t repeat this in future events!

I was at a retreat with lots of people. I noticed at different times during the weekend I was connecting or not connecting with others.

It all depended on my thought process.

If I was having negative thoughts I could go deeper into the thoughts. Once I realized what I was doing I could stop it, say something different to myself and then start smiling and getting along with others.

Like giving sugar to a baby, I could change my mood, attitude quickly.

But I’m an adult.

How often do I go to pity poor me or selfish thoughts? I’m not beating myself for having them; it can be human to have them.

Yet it could also be habitual.

It takes a small effort to shift these thoughts.

When I do shift my negative thoughts to ones which help me connect more with others and myself:

• I get out of the mood I was in
• Things can happen differently
• I really am having so much more fun!

And I don’t have to eat sugar to do this!