Fulcrum Point Partners

Proposition 8 was about core values. Values are our beliefs. They guide our lives. Values create who we are and what drive each of us. When we have conflicts in our lives we’re having a clash of values. There is always a difference of values when there is a conflict.

The marketing of voting against Prop 8 was largely themed on its unfair and wrong.

The problem with this is people who believe in keeping marriage between a man and a woman don’t feel they’re discriminating. They feel they’re right.

If you feel you’re right then you don’t want to be told you are wrong. When you are told this you don’t listen. You don’t listen even if it’s a phone call or ad from Barack Obama, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Biden or Dianne Feinstein saying it’s wrong. You ignore the emails saying it’s wrong.

Because they’re still saying you are wrong and people don’t want to hear it. What we believe we believe. We can be wrong but need to learn it for ourselves, not be told.

This is a big conflict. It doesn’t lead to support for either view. It leads to a vote and a decision where one side wins and the other loses. They don’t come together.

The best way to lessen a conflict is to understand the other person, to understand the other side. It means to not sit in judgment of how they think, and not have to change how they think.

Through one of my training projects I have come to know a woman who is Christian and Pro-Life on the abortion issue.

When we first talked about this, I admit I came from the perspective of being right and wanting to convince her to be pro choice. Gradually, I let this go. It started by listening to her. And I came to understand how she feels this way. I don’t have to feel this way, but I can understand how she does, and by understanding her thought process, I can understand why she is Pro-Life.

I came to respect her opinion while being able to keep mine. If she voted in an election based on this one item, I could understand how she would vote differently then I.

This year our discussion went to Proposition 8. She was conflicted over it – she wanted to respect human rights but she also wanted to respect the Christian sacrament which states marriage is between a man and a woman.

I told her I understood this. I also told her prop 8 didn’t state that marriage pertained to a Christian marriage. I then went to tell her about my experience at a same sex wedding I had attended and how moved I was by the experience.

She asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said I would like to have the opportunity.

So she said she would vote no on prop 8.

I’m not suggesting one conversation, or even multiple conversations, would work with every person. There are certainly fundamentalists out there who wouldn’t budge their opinion in the same way some liberals wouldn’t even enter into a conversation about other views without it becoming an argument.

But there are many like her out there – some who didn’t get the realization of what prop 8 did or how it would affect other human beings because they didn’t have a discussion with anyone with a different view.

In the Castro and in West Hollywood there were many No on 8 signs spread across businesses and homes. These signs were there to raise awareness. But having these signs in these neighborhoods is as effective as needing to convince a drag queen the importance of makeup and wardrobe. You are preaching to the choir.

The danger with this is it unites us into being right and the other side being wrong. This gives us the entitlement of right and not listening to others who have different values.

But it’s only when we get to know people and understand where they are coming from where we can possibly change their vote while incorporating their values.

This is the apolitical way to do what’s fair and to change what’s wrong.

Howard Miller is a keynote speaker, facilitator, instructor and Executive Coach. He works with organizations on effective ways to deal with difficult situations. He can be reached at howard @fulcrumpointpartner.com

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 9th, 2008 at 11:20 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.